Silent Atonement
by Ms.MaraJade
Summary: A mature perspective on Allen Schezar. [Disclaimer: I make no money. I only write about what I enjoy.]


_Author's Notes_: I just recently watched the full run of Escaflowne on DVD, and I fell in love with the fairy tale. I am a hopeless romantic for anything that involves knights, royalty, swords, and chivalry. I felt it was time to finally give Allen Schezar the mature insight he so well deserves.

As I always request in all my stories, no flames, please. However, I will accept constructive criticism in order to develop my skills further as a writer.

_Summary_: A mature perspective on Allen Schezar.

Silent Atonement

In a moment of exasperated desperation, I told Van I had proposed to Hitomi. I had to give him a final test. It was the only way to remotely get his feelings for her to surface. I expected him to lash out or strike at me. Strangely, I had hoped he would. But, he held his anger with the reserved practice of a true king. Physically, there was no attack, but a passion of pure fire blazed in his dark eyes. It was the fire of hatred. I watched Van's shoulders tense with utter regret for not having said all he wished to say to Hitomi. And, at that moment I knew.

I had no intention to ever interfere in what I always saw as budding emotions between Van and Hitomi. What happened on the bridge that rainy day never should have. I knew that as it was happening. My soul screamed at me to stop, but my body was moving of a force that I could not break free from. I could see the hesitation in Hitomi. She didn't wish to pursue me in that moment either.

I could see in her eyes an emotion that was pure. That emotion was never intended for me. It was always meant for Van. She had just not realized it yet. Hitomi had barely cultivated that seedling of love for Van when I stepped in against my will. She was utterly confused on her feelings from the moment we all met. And, I suppose that happens to girls of her age regardless of their origin.

Strangely enough, I had developed some attachment to Hitomi. It was just not a romantic tie. I always saw her as an innocent child, a fresh pair of eyes who could look upon our world and see what we took for granted. She was the sister I refused to have removed from my life. I was not going to allow the same disappearance to happen to Hitomi that happened to Celena. I realized now that my need to protect her had come on far too strong. I cannot take back the mistakes I said, but it was better to err on the side of caution than to lose another attachment. I could not live with myself if I failed yet again.

I found Hitomi's infatuation with me charming and sweet. I thought if I had kept a forced distance it would help her realize I was not the one she should be pursuing. Apparently, I reminded her of someone else. I remember hearing her utter the name Amano on a couple occasions while looking upon me. I can only assume Amano is someone she had developed attractions to on the Mystic Moon.

I suppose I shouldn't blame Hitomi for her confusion either. I have my own confusions. I deeply love Princess Marlene, even to this day. She is a ghost who will forever haunt me. Her kind eyes and soft smile captured me, and I wish now that I had given up everything to stay in her arms. I don't regret any moment Marlene and I shared. Each precious second with her was worth the painful moments away. I'll never forget the agony my heart felt when she sadly told me of her engagement. She begged for us to run away and live out our days as humble townsfolk in some far off land. I contemplated the idea and wished we could pursue such a life. But, our sense of duty was stronger, and we both knew that for our country, we were required to walk on separate paths.

We risked one final night together just before her marriage. It was one final goodbye. A few days after that, I watched with a shattering heart as Marlene took her vows and betrothed herself to another man. During the ceremony, I dared to whisper the vows to her from my assigned distance. My placement that day was to serve as part of an honor guard with my fellow Knights Caeli. I will always live with the torture of being so close to her during that ceremony but so far away that I might as well have been on the Mystic Moon.

I think of Chid, and I always wonder if Marlene intended for her first child to be mine. If that should be true, it was her only way she could ever keep a part of me with her, much as I keep a lock of her hair hidden in a thin braid amongst my own. I often ponder going to Chid and confessing everything. I do not simply because such a scandal would destroy him. Chid has amassed great respect, and I could not bear seeing his world and kingdom become slurred with contempt because of my sin.

Marlene's death nearly destroyed my heart. It was difficult to know she was being loved by another man, but to know she would suddenly be gone from the world was a tragedy I could barely accept. Perhaps that was where my confusion with Princess Millerna started. She resembles Marlene in many aspects. They were both kind souls, gentle women who care greatly about those around them. Yet, they were also both very free spirits. They longed to do what their hearts wished. Had they not been born privileged under the obligations of royalty, they both would have lived their dreams and never looked back.

I suppose that is how Millerna haunts me. Her free spirit is a ghost of Marlene. It is how her older sister continues to live on, through Millerna. It is what attracted me to the youngest daughter in the House of Asturia. And, it is also the reason I cannot easily fall into the love Millerna has to offer me. I do not wish to replace Marlene. Being with Millerna brings me to the fear that I might. Being with any woman too long leads me to the fear of losing Marlene. It was how I became branded as a womanizer. I cannot commit ever again for fear of losing what is left in my heart and memories of my beloved Marlene. Replacing her will surely kill me.

"Allen?"

Taking a deep breath, I turn away from the windows. The Mystic Moon had been hanging low in the sky tonight, a reminder that summer has reached its peak and the days will slowly revert back to cooler temperatures.

"Yes, Celena?" I ask, turning to the sister I had lost and spent too many years grieving over. Her eyes sparkle in that mischief that can only come from a younger sibling. Her nightmares have been haunted with her past as Dilandau, but her eyes have remained Celena's. I fear every day that she might revert back to the twisted and sick experiment Dornkirk had forced upon her.

"Did you forget? Tag, you're it," she smiles as she punches my arm lightly. "Now, you have to get me twice."

Before I can twitch, she's spun around. Giggling like that child I last remembered her to be, she's off and running. Whatever Jujuka told her before he was struck down in battle has kept Celena as herself. Being forced under the persona of Dilandu stunted her ability to grow and develop mentally and emotionally. The experiments caused her to retain lot of her childhood innocence from when she was last Celena. I have to admit that I'm not in a hurry to see her entirely mature. The thought of interviewing suitors for her is something I'm not ready for just yet. Maybe it's selfish of me, but I need to make up for missing years with my sister, even if it's like raising a child of my own right now.

Suddenly finding myself smiling over such frivolous thoughts, I realize she's going to reach the fireplace mantle she designated as base long before I even start to get moving. I feel like I'm nine years old again, and for one single moment I'm able to admit that I'm truly happy.


End file.
